Will Smith’s slap and Angelina Jolie’s feet in this week’s dubious tabloids

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‘National Enquirer’

There’s conflict in Ukraine and civil war in Afghanistan, Ethiopia, Syria and Yemen, and this week’s ‘National Enquirer’ devotes its front page to “TV Anchors At War!”

But bno, it’s not about the TV anchors reporting from the borders of combat zones as if they’re risking their lives. It’s about the petty personal feuds behind the scenes: “Who hates who!”

It’s Tucker Carlson vs Geraldo Rivera. Keith Olberman vs Rachel Maddow. Don Lemon, Jake Tapper and CNN vs Chris Cuomo.

It’s tired, ancient news, and unenlightening.

“Harry & Meghan Police Cover-Up! What Scotland Yard was Ordered to Hide.”

Unsurprisingly, not what it seems.

Prince Harry and Meghan, suing the British government to pay for a protection detail when they visit the UK, asked a judge to seal the court documents – hardly a shocking move in a case involving privacy and personal protection.

And of course the ‘Enquirer’ has no idea what Scotland Yard was ordered to hide – because it’s under seal.

That doesn’t stop the ‘Enquirer’ raging: “Harry & Meghan Cover-Up Holds Queen For Ransom!”

The ‘Enquirer’ claims that Harry’s lawsuit details the cost to taxpayers for protecting other members of the royal family, which if revealed “could be highly embarrassing for Her Majesty.”

Yet Harry is the one asking a court to keep that information private.

“Jada Spanks Bad Boy Will!”

Will Smith’s “temper has been an issue for years,” claims an unnamed insider, who alleges that wife Jada Pinkett-Smith is demanding her slap-happy hubby “attend anger management sessions.”

Couldn’t hurt.

“Alec & Hilaria Shoot The Moon With Baby No.7”

Alec Baldwin and wife Hilaria are reportedly expecting a child, because he “sought solace in his wife’s arms” after accidentally killing cinematographer Halyna Hutchins.

“Goops!”

Gwyneth Paltrow’s “marriage is in crisis,” according to unidentified insiders, who claim her focus on Goop business problems meant “her energy has not been on her marriage.” Perhaps she needs to light up a vagina-scented candle and meditate for a day or two?

‘Globe’

“Epstein Madam Secret plea Deal Exposed!” Proclaims the cover story. “Real reason Maxwell still isn’t sentenced!”

When you’re wrong, you’re wrong, and the ‘Globe’ is wonderfully wrong with its prediction that “her conviction will be squashed over a tainted jury claim”.

Wrong. The judge ruled that Maxwell’s guilty verdict stands, despite a juror failing to reveal his own past sexual abuse.

And by the way, convictions are quashed, not squashed.

The story goes on to claim that “Maxwell has escaped spending the rest of her life behind bars by cutting a secret plea deal to turn state’s evidence.”

She is allegedly “spilling her guts” about convicted billionaire paedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s playmates Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak, and lawyer Alan Dershowitz.

Except Ghislaine had no reason to say anything to prosecutors as long as she had hope that the judge might throw out her conviction.

That judge’s decision clearly came after the ‘Globe’ had gone to press. So there is no way that Maxwell could have been spilling her guts, or spilling the beans, or spilling anything while she was hoping for a retrial.

“Will & Jada $400M Divorce Smackdown.”

It’s to be expected: When the ‘Enquirer’ suggests that Jada Pinkett-Smith wants hubby Will to take anger management sessions, the ‘Globe’ goes a bridge too far and claims they’ll be divorcing, just like they claim every celebrity couple is divorcing whenever there’s a bump in the road.

“Putin, 69, Dying of Cancer!”

How do they know?

The medically trained paranormal empaths specially employed by the ‘Globe’ note that Putin’s face is looking “puffy” compared with 20 years ago, and that “in the past we have seen him smile, but in 2022 there are few pictures of him looking happy.”

As any medically trained expert can tell you, a failure to smile is an established indicator of Stage 4 cancer.

“Queen Thinks Andy Is Dandy! Outrages Charles & William by giving sex creep key role at Philip memorial.”

The Queen’s “shocking olive branch” to her favorite son as he walked her into Westminster Abbey for Prince Philip’s memorial service allegedly “ripped the royal family apart.”

Strange. Who’d have thought that having an alleged rapist at your side could provoke such a fuss?

“Health Scare Over Angie’s Freaky Feet!”

No, she doesn’t have seven toes or a club foot. Angelina Jolie made the mistake of allowing herself to be photographed wearing sandals, and the medically trained experts at the ‘Globe’ conclude that her tootsies reveal “the alarmingly scary condition” that “she’s developing osteoporosis and even diabetes!”

Just imagine what these medical experts could do with a stethoscope and a thermometer.

‘People’

“Heartbreaking News” declares the cover story. “Bruce’s Battle & His Family’s Love.”

Bruce Willis’s extended family gathers around him after his aphasia diagnosis, in a tender story that he probably can’t read for himself.

Yet another Will Smith slap story: “Could Will Lose His Oscar?”

Only if he leaves in in the back of an Uber. Yet another story proving Betteridge’s law of headlines: If it ends in a question mark, then the answer is No.

‘Us Weekly’

“William’s Shock Confession – Why I’ll Never Be King,” declares the cover story.

When you’re wrong, you’re wrong.

Did ‘Us Weekly ‘snag an exclusive interview with Prince William?

Of course not.

Did he say he’ll “never be king”?

Not even according to the story inside the rag, which quotes unnamed insiders saying that William fears he may never be King “at least not in the conventional sense.”

Right. So maybe he’ll be an unconventional King?

‘Us Weekly’ claims William was “caught off guard” when the Queen recently announced that Camilla would eventually become Queen Consort once Charles ascends to the throne, because “it was widely believed the queen might pass over Charles” and give the crown to grandson William instead.

No, it was never widely believed. It wasn’t even believed by the tabloid reporters who kept flogging the same dead horse.

The Settlement Act of 1701 mandates that the crown passes to the monarch’s heir – in this case, Prince Charles – and the Queen has zero discretion in naming her successor. As long as he’s alive, that’s Charles. Get over it.

“Fears Over Harry’s Tell-All.”

Prince Harry is writing a memoir, and the contents have been kept strictly under wraps. Telling us nothing that we don’t already know, an insider says: “Harry does talk about all of his family members in the book, but not all of it is negative. He actually even praises some royals, including the queen.”

If this alleged insider actually had any information about what Harry’s memoir contains, it wouldn’t be this bland bromide.

Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us Weekly’ to tell us that Anne Hathaway wore it best, that Melissa Rivers”ate chocolate Pop-Tarts for breakfast every day from high school until I was 23,” and that the stars are just like us: they eat meals, buy groceries, and shop for plants. Who knew?

Elsewhere in the tabloids:

“OK!’

Shalene Woodley and Aaron Rodgers are this week’s cover couple, declaring: “We’re Getting Married!”

But are they really? They only broke up last month, and most sources (with the exception of TMZ) think it premature to talk of a reconciliation, let alone an engagement.

‘Life & Style’

“Harry & Meghan’s Separate Lives! ‘It’s Why She’s In Hiding.'”

Is Meghan in hiding? Or is she just keeping her life private?

Allegedly the couple are “arguing over money – and the royal family” and Harry is “sleeping in the guesthouse.”

Thankfully, they are “staying strong for their kids.”

That’s nice.

It’s astonishing how much information reporters can unearth about a couple who they claim never leave their home or talk to anyone.

‘InTouch’

“Bruce Willis’ Emotional Goodbye. Inside His heartbreaking Final Days.”

Apparently the rag believes he’s dying – something that has gone unmentioned in all other reports – and is “giving his $250 million fortune away.”

Not so easy when you have aphasia. Good luck getting that past the lawyers.

Onwards and downwards . . .



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